The Many Crimes of a Speedster, a Troll and a Drunk Roy
by Ryeflight
Summary: The team has decided to compile the crimes and acts of destruction that have been committed by Wally and Dick (and usually a very drunk Roy). Guest starring the BatClan. And Damian's sword. T for language, and the mention of um, stuff. There will be references to many of the stories I have read on FF, so if you recognize something, that's why. Any pairings are canon.
1. Oreos, Paintball, and Radioactive Pizza

Artemis: This will be interesting

Roy: I probably shouldn't be writing this, I was involved in most of them

Conner: Basically, we're compiling every stupid, crazy, destructive, idiotic thing the Destructive Duo, or trio, have done.

Dick: Nah, you need to change it if you make it trio so that it's still an alliteration

Artemis: You aren't allowed to take part in this you troll

Dick: I'll be the annoying commentary then

M'gann: I'm not sure I want to know this . . .

Kaldur: This file must be safeguarded for the good of the world

Raquel: Might as well get started then

* * *

The time Wally got M'gann so addicted to Oreos, she became a public menace:

M'gann: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to throw a car through the window of the grocery store!

Artemis: No one blames you. We blame Wally.

Wally: I can't take full credit though, Dick was the one who inspired the experiment.

Conner: Basically, Wally kept giving M'gann Oreos, and when he ran out, she bought every single box in Happy Harbor. When they ran out, she telekinetically tore the town apart to find more. It took the entire team, plus half the league, to stop her.

Dick: Good times. . .

Zatanna: No, not good times. Good times don't involve flying forklifts!

M'gann: I said I was sorry!

Artemis: Honestly Baywatch, you know Martians can't handle those things, why would you even give her any?

Wally: I wanted to see what would happen!

Artemis: What happened was that children were scarred for life, and the town was destroyed. G. Gordon Godfrey had a field day with that one.

Wally: It was for the good of science!

Artemis: Suuuuuure it was.

* * *

The time Paintball was banned from the Cave:

Dick: Oh, this one was funny.

Wally: Such good memories . . .

Roy: I have no memory of this event, but I woke up with my ears pierced, the owner a pet Russian Dolphin and a small chain of restaurants, pretty much painted rainbow, with no feeling in my left arm, and more hungover than Ollie after a party. I don't want to know, but I'm going to find out, aren't I?

Artemis: Actually, we have to use the video camera footage for this one, we were all too drunk.

M'gann: Even Kaldur. . .

Kaldur: I am still confused as to how Paintball lead to the purchase of a Russian Dolphin.

Dick: Even the little devil child made an appearance!

Conner: I don't think Klarion was there.

Raquel: No, but I bet we gave him quite a power boost with all the chaos.

Dick: Not Klarion, my little brother Damian!

Zatanna: How many siblings do you even have?

Jason: Hey, if Dick can't keep you happy, I've got my own talents, *wink* *wink*

Tim: Jason! You're like 9!

Damian: Die bitch!

Barbara: Hey Artemis! Zee, how's your new cat?

Cassie: I apologize for the idiots, I mean boys. No, I don't. Mean boys, that is.

Steph: DAMIAN! Put that sword DOWN! You watch your mouth you S.O.B.

Dick: Like I said, Batcave's crowded enough.

Zatanna: Sorry I asked.

Conner: Anyway, according to the video footage, this all started with Dick and Wally playing Go Fish . . .

Artemis: And Wally accused Dick of cheating . . .

Zatanna: They decided the only way to settle it was a paintball war . . .

M'gann: Convinced the rest of us to pick sides . . .

Kaldur: Kidnapped Roy and illegally purchased alcohol . . .

Raquel: Got everyone in the Cave drunk . . .

Cassie: Then Dick kidnapped all of us, and locked the league out of the Cave for 24 hours . . .

Artemis: Even the 7 year old assassin got drunk . . .

Roy: The kids fell asleep . . .

Jason: Except for me . . .

Zatanna: We locked Jason and Damian in a closet and magically knocked them out . . .

M'gann: Someone suggested we play Truth or Dare, which became Never Have I Ever, which became Spin the Bottle, which became drunk Strip Poker, which became grope anyone within arms' reach . . .

Kaldur: At this point, the security camera system was disabled because it was suspected that the League was watching us.

Damian: On the upside, I managed to give West a few new scars!

Wally: You little bitch . . .

Artemis: Wally! Language!

Wally: What? He's a Bat. They don't believe in innocence.

Artemis: Tim has some innocence. Let's keep it that way.

Conner: Why the League banned Paintball, but not Strip Poker or drinking, we will never know.

* * *

The time radioactive pizza was found in Ollie's mansion in Hawaii:

Roy: I still don't know how this happened, and I was there.

Artemis: Maybe that's because you were too busy with my sister Mr. Frisky.

Raquel: Images. Roy you are quite possibly the worst chaperone/babysitter in history.

Wally: He is pretty bad.

Dick: Really, really bad.

Wally: We just get him drunk, then it's all over.

M'gann: Does Roy support cat food?

Artemis: What?

M'gann: You called him Mr. Frisky. Friskies is a type of cat food.

Artemis: You are way too innocent for your own good.

Kaldur: Back on topic . . .

Wally: I decided to experiment on pizza.

Dick: With cheese, kryptonite, liquid popcorn and mutated pudding.

Roy: Your mutated pudding is evil.

Wally: Well, you aren't supposed to sit in a bathtub of it for hours.

Roy: IT WAS A DARE!

Artemis: Apparently, this pizza was the size of a living room carpet. Bruce Wayne's living room carpet.

Raquel: They replaced the rug with it.

Zatanna: 15 people were hospitalized for trauma.

Conner: Liquid popcorn causes pizza cheese to gain strange properties.

Dick: Like a green glow and the ability to meow when stepped on.

Wally: It was done in the name of science.

Artemis: A name you have now soiled.

Roy: The house was condemned. Ollie is still confused.

Raquel: Weren't you one of the people who had to see a therapist for shock?

Roy: I was put through the traumatic experience of being attacked by glowing green, meowing pizza cheese whilst, um, spending quality time with my girlfriend.

Conner: What happened to the therapist?

Roy: She now needs therapy. I don't have a good track record with therapists.

Artemis: The pizza cheese attacked you because you were screwing my sister instead of watching the kids you were supposed to be babysitting!

M'gann: How is twisting screws through someone spending quality time with them? That sounds like torture!

Artemis: Please, someone give this girl a sex-ed lesson!

M'gann: I know what sex is. I don't understand how this is relevant.

Everyone else: . . .

Dick: NOT IT!

Wally: NOT IT!

Conner: That would just be awkward.

Kaldur: I do not believe I am well suited for that conversation.

Roy: No way.

Raquel: I just remembered, I have to go feed my cat!

Zatanna: You don't have a cat!

Artemis: Oh, come on.

Zatanna: Arty, it's probably for the best. I mean, imagine what would happen if Wally did this.

Artemis: *shudder* you're right.

M'gann: Talk to me about what?

 **This is just going to be updated randomly. I know I have two other stories to work on, one which I should really update. Instead of starting a new story. I am a really bad person, aren't I?**

 **Oh, I don't own YJ.**

 **Wally: If we blackmail the producers-I mean convince them to sell it to you, can I be un-ceased? Please?**

 **Dick: Wait, wouldn't ceased be the opposite of deceased? Meaning that you are still alive? For sure?**

 **Wally and every fangirl in existence: Yes, yes it would.**


	2. WALLY!

Artemis sighed. It was her turn to look over the security tapes, noting time frames that should be deleted before the League's monthly review of them. She was supposed write down the time frame and give it to Robin, but there was just so much footage, and so much of it was simply an empty cave because everyone was asleep. Still, you could find excellent blackmail material on here, and for a while, the team had been at each other's throats because no one had any secrets. Then Robin had imposed the rule that any information found on the tapes was strictly confidential unless it threatened the life, security or family etc. of one of the team. The rule was enforced by him too, though it was usually listened to because if Robin was giving up blackmail, it was really causing a problem. Artemis's attention turned to a streak of movement appearing on the camera near her room. She backed the tape up, and zoomed in. Wait, that was Wally, what in the world was he doing in her room, and why did he have . . . her bra? She shook her head, deciding that she must be too tired to see straight. Her boyfriend wouldn't take her bra, he might have before, but he hadn't liked being kicked in the crotch with a steel toed boot. Artemis rubbed her eyes, then shut off the monitor. She could finish this tomorrow.

Artemis opened her eyes, stretched, and sat up. Today was . . . right, today was Wednesday, but it was Summer, so it didn't matter. She should probably get dressed. If she didn't get up, Wally would start speed-knocking on her door again, which made a racket worse than any alarm clock she had ever had. She really didn't want to go back to compiling his various crimes, but Dick had been scrolling through files, and realized that if another Bat ever joined the team, they would all be dead, since the team had been implicated quite a few times. No one wanted to be lectured again about mature behavior, so they were erasing the files one by one, changing the format to a simple discussion, instead of a detailed summary of events. Artemis pulled her pajama shirt over her head and reached for the sports bra thrown over the chair. Funny, she didn't remember putting it there, nor did she know why it felt cold. She shrugged, someone had probably run the air conditioning, and pulled it over her head anyway. As soon as it was in place, what she had seen on the videotape last night made sense.

"WALLY!"

Wally was having a good morning. He had actually woken up before Superboy, so he got to have the first of whatever M'gann was cooking, which also meant that his breakfast wouldn't be cold. M'gann was against wasting energy keeping food heated until eleven, when he usually woke up, so he almost always had to reheat his food. Reheated bacon just isn't as good as fresh bacon. Strangely, M'gann was very quiet that morning, especially around Roy, who was sitting at the counter, eating toast. He didn't look so good, and was probably hung-over. Roy, Wally and Dick had gotten drunk last night, or in Dick's case, sugar-highed and caffeine-ed, so Wally was fine (metabolism), but Roy was hung-over and Dick was still sleeping off the sugar rush. He didn't even remember why they got drunk, but he had a vague memory of playing truth or dare. He sat down next to Roy, stealing a piece of bacon from his plate, and earning a glare from the archer. He grinned at M'gann, and asked for breakfast. The martian smiled and stacked about three times the normal amount of food onto his plate. However, when she went to give it to him, Roy turned and tried to grab a piece of bacon in revenge, only for M'gann to jerk backwards and drop everything on the plate. She took one look at Roy and fled the room. Wally studied his friend quizzically.

"Does she have some sort of phobia of me?" Roy looked as puzzled as Wally felt. Then it clicked.

"Remember? Artemis and Zatanna explained stuff to her last night. She's really naive, and believes that everyone on the team is rather innocent. And probably virgins. I think learning what "screwing" meant, and the fact that you did it, freaked her out, especially seeing as she probably still thinks we're all totally disinterested in sex." Roy nodded, then turned back to Wally.

"Are you?"

"Am I what? You know I'm not naive."

"You know, have you and Artemis . . ." Wally squirmed uncomfortably. He really didn't want to discuss this right now. He was trying to eat his breakfast, and didn't want to deal with a hung-over Roy right now. Roy usually wasn't this perverted, but Wally suspected that he might still be slightly drunk.

"Why does it matter?" Roy shrugged.

"Well, she's kind of like my little sister, I don't know, I don't want her pregnant or anything . . ." Roy's voice trailed off at the look of utter exasperation on Wally's face.

"She's not pregnant, OK? Aside from that, you're drunk, and it's non of your business."

"I'm mnot shrunk. An' I shrepeath, arth shou a virshin?" Wally continued to glare at Roy. Roy did not slur his words when he was drunk, so he was just being annoying. Wally opened his mouth to tell him just what he could go do, when he was cut off by a yell.

"WALLY!" That sounded like Artemis. Not good. Especially not good because he had been drunk last night, and had no idea how fast he should be running right now.

"Roy quick, what did I do to get Artemis angry last night?"

"Oh, that? You put her bra in the freezer for 4 hours." Wally blanched. Artemis was going to kill him.


End file.
